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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a 22-year-old college graduate, waiting to take a job in New York. The plan is to take an apartment with my partner there. We've lived together before, and though we are in love (whatever that means), a part of me is scared of the future. Lately, our relationship has been a bit rocky, due in part to the stresses of the move and the job search, but perhaps also to the fundamental differences that hamper or destroy all relationships. The thing is that I'm just as scared of marriage, kids and empty-nesting as I am of singles bars, creeping alcoholism and existential loneliness. Can you shine the light of your sagacity on this age-old quandary of youth?
Ambivalent
Dear Ambivalent,
Ambivalence is sensible at your age. Call it caution, call it perspective, but you want to avoid diving off the cliff until you can scope out the shore and take some depth soundings. And you want to stroll freely for a while and enjoy yourself in the big city. It's terribly important for one your age to learn how to be on her own and amuse herself and not depend on a partner. I wouldn't try to talk you out of ambivalence for all the world, darling. I disagree about fundamental differences being necessarily destructive, but am not sure what you mean, so won't quibble. And I'll leave it to some other guy to try to talk you into marriage and kids.
Dear Mr. Blue,
My father divorced my mother after 38 years of marriage. There is a corrosive hatred on both sides and they are almost penniless. My father, who is 59, makes a small living as a salesman, but piddled away all the money from the sale of their house five years ago. He also has chronic leukemia, the kind you can live with but that tires you and creates health complications. My mother, who is 57 and a bit agoraphobic, lives with my sister and has a very small income from taking care of her kids. My father refuses to pay my mother alimony, and my mother, in turn, wants her three children to cut him out of their life. My sister has already done this. My father definitely has problems (physically abusive, alcohol and drug abuse), but I can't agree to my mother's wish and resent her for even suggesting it. I have come to terms with who my father is and cannot turn my back on him now that he is sick and poor. My mother cannot stand the idea of my seeing him, particularly with my young daughters, and now refuses to talk to me or see me if I see him. She is adamant about this as she believes the simple act of having dinner with him tells him I don't mind that he refuses to give her alimony. How do I retain my relationship with my father without alienating my mother? And how do I help my mother overcome her fears and move on with her life?
Daughter of Two
Dear Daughter,
This is a sad story and there is no simple way out. And there's no way to save your parents from themselves. They're beyond your control, believe me. Your strongest duty is to your daughters, to keep them clear of this ugliness. Unfortunately, mortal enemies love to share their bile with those near and dear and enlist allies and argue their case, and this is nothing for young children to have to witness. There is a messy compromise somewhere and it might be along these lines: You continue to see your father but privately -- it's not your mother's business who you see -- and you keep your daughters clear of the skirmishing, and you make clear to your father that this miserable situation is due in large part to his cruelty and carelessness. Don't abandon him, don't abandon her, stick to your principles, don't get embroiled in your parents' war -- refuse to listen to one talk about the other -- and protect your children.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have been seeing a wonderful man for almost three years. At Christmas he proposed and I could not say yes fast enough. I truly love this man. He is talented, intelligent, romantic, handsome, thoughtful and caring. However, we fight frequently and about the most inane things! Stupid things that have no significance to the big picture. My fear is that this bicker-banter will continue post-wedding. How much fighting is acceptable? Neither of us has had a prior relationship that compares to what we have, and this will be the first marriage for both, I'm 35 and he is 42.
Worrying
Dear Worrying,
Some people bicker and seem happy enough with each other, but I'm old-fashioned and constant sparring for meaningless advantage strikes me as a lousy way to live. When you marry, you relinquish a lot of territory and you learn to defer in small matters. You two haven't learned this. There's nothing to be gained from fighting for small potatoes. You make a stink when your feet are seriously stepped on or you're being treated like furniture. You stamp your foot and make your point and then it goes away. In other matters, learn how to smile and say, "OK, flocked wallpaper, then."
