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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 20, in college and trying to get over my ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me when I left to study abroad; he said we needed to "think it over," but I was in love and was thinking marriage and all that. Now I have returned home. I had a wonderful time in Europe, learned a lot, met some wonderful people and had him on my mind constantly. Every time I see him around campus, my heart jumps a little. He seems happy with his new girlfriend, but a part of me wants him back. Do you have any advice for me? (Even a kick to the head would work at this point.) I tried staying busy so I won't think about it, but that only exhausted me and honestly hasn't helped. I've had a few casual dates but none of them really hit it off, and I always come home to an empty room. Do you know a way to stop loving someone, and force oneself to move on?
Ophelia
Dear Ophelia,
Put your head down here where I can gently poke it with my toe. He's gone. Don't try to get him back. If it's a small campus and you keep running into him, then you may need to force yourself to become friends with him and his new girlfriend. Learn to smile and make small talk and be friendly and not pull out your derringer and shoot them both. Or if that's unthinkable, you may need to find another campus. But this persistent casual contact is torture. Constant reminders of him, and yet at a distance, which only makes him seem larger and dreamier and more desirable. (If you befriend him and his new squeeze, you'll see him as a mortal guy with sinus troubles and bad breath.) Stay busy and keep dating and don't worry about moving on. Life is moving. The world is moving. Even if you think you're standing still, you're not. Someday this too will become a humorous story that you tell people over dinner.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I feel my boyfriend is desperately in need of some male friends who he can hang out with. Anything he does is with me, and frankly I could stand to get him out of my hair once in a while. I don't think it's healthy that we spend all of our time together. All of the people we hang out with are either his family members or my friends.
How do I find him some friends? He's not the most socially adept creature, but I think he'd be game if I gave him some suggestions.
Feeling Crowded
Dear Feeling,
The notion of you trying to line up friends for your man is too pitiful for words. Truly. Surely he can fend for himself, find his way to the next whiskey bar, join the NRA, take up rugby, start a Morris dance troupe, go on a monastic retreat or attend a meeting of Men Suffering From Social Ineptitude. You're the one who needs time apart so you should organize your lady pals into a book club and meet when you like for as long as you like. Book Club is a great term that lends a higher spiritual tone to what is basically a coffee klatch. I know women who belong to book clubs that go off to a remote resort for a weekend once a month or so, which is a great idea. Let him find his own way, and you can go to Whispering Pines and think about "Anna Karenina" and sleep late and laugh your heads off and discuss your needy boyfriends.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 30 and have been involved with a wonderful man for the last two years. He's handsome, intelligent and cultured. He listens when I talk, supports me when I'm down and challenges me in my endeavors -- professional, athletic, artistic or personal. But alas, in spite of being attracted to this person, body and soul, I can't get over the notion that he's still not my "type." I am a successful business professional and I used to date dark, exotic, brooding and sensual musicians, artists and writers. Being in a stuffy business world all day, I feel they bring a little mystery and poetry into my life. Of course, the relationships were always tumultuous, difficult, intense and short-lived. How is it then that I ultimately fell in love with a lovely, fair, boy-next-door, stable business professional like myself? Next to the strange, gorgeous characters I've been with, he just seems so ... normal. Our lives are completely compatible, he understands my career and my aspirations like no one else I've been with and we have such fun together. We talk about a future together and I can't imagine ever letting this person go -- but part of me still yearns for the unpredictable dark horse. Will this wear off as I get older, or am I settling? Can I find some other outlet to bring a little bohemia back into my life?
Yearning
Dear Yearning,
OK, you told me your problem, let me tell you mine. I'm married to a peach of a woman who is intelligent and sexy and whose company I crave, with whom I am happier than ever before in my life. But sometimes I wonder, What would it be like to date a bipolar cokehead artist who doesn't speak English and who has a habit of hurling large jagged glass objects at me in the dark and who might bring a little more mystery to my life? As for your problem, I think you can find all the bohemia you want in the writings of Kenneth Rexroth and Lawrence Ferlinghetti and Jack Kerouac, and when you're done with them, you can go on to Whitman, Jean Genet and the memoirs of Billie Holiday. Have fun with your lovely man, and when you need to suffer, pick up a book.
