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Saturday, Nov 28, 2009
Dear Mr. Blue,
My live-in boyfriend and I have -- on one level -- a good relationship. We enjoy time together, the outdoors, cooking, traveling, and are at peace with each other. We trust each other, have the same ideas about right and wrong and know we can count on each other for the important things in life. But peace coexists with passionlessness. We don't have much to talk about (work, common friends, family problems). We make love infrequently and seemingly without any real lust for each other. And I find myself looking longingly at other men. I am extremely afraid of marriage after watching my parents' emotionally deadened lives -- so is this choking my ability to feel passion? Or are we simply not right for each other? Once, in Paris, I wanted to feel free and I kissed another man. Recently an extremely attractive male friend came to town and my heart skipped a beat every time I looked him in the eyes. I feel guilty, shallow and sad for feeling this way and am not sure what to do.
Befuddled
Dear Befuddled,
The cautious advice is to be patient, work on it, get therapy, take your Vitamin E and buy my new book, "Putting the Wow Back in Your Live-In Relationship." But there are times when one must take a risk on behalf of a basically good thing and perhaps this is such a time for you. You're feeling stuck in a flat place and dread the fate of your parents and you long for excitement. This is your perfect privilege as a registered human being. So let your lover know that all is not well. (Don't mention the attractive male friend and the skipped beats.) Direct the complaint against yourself: "I don't seem to excite you. I don't even excite myself. I feel flat. I love you and admire you and respect you and I think I need some time on my own." So you propose terms for a strategic retreat. Everyone needs one of these sometime. And see what insights you derive from spending some time alone.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am incredibly happy, and miserable all at once. My cheating, alcoholic, unappreciative ex-boyfriend has come back and thrown himself at my feet begging for forgiveness. The last time I saw him was three months ago, when I slapped him and we said all sorts of horrible things to each other after I found out about his infidelity. I swore I'd never speak to him again. After about a month I finally started to get over him. Now he's back, and he swears he's changed. He's stopped drinking, has had the same job for eight months (a record for him) and says that he loves me and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him -- two things he never once said when we were together. So, for the last few weeks now, we've been spending long nights talking and making love, and falling asleep in each other's arms. He calls me just to hear my voice. He rents movies he knows I love. He cooks for me. We take bubble baths together. I'm breathless from all this romance. I feel like crying from joy all the time. But I know I can't trust him. I'm positive he'll break my heart again. My head says to walk away from him. I have tried going to my friends for help, but they are all convinced he is a slimy weasel who is not good enough for me -- even his friends think this. I need impartiality. Even just a yes or no will do.
Lady in Virginia
Dear Lady,
The boyfriend's back. The water's running in the bathtub, the mound of bubbles is rising, the mirror is steamed up, and in the kitchen the catfish is marinating and the salad is tossed, "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg" is in the VCR, ready to go, and meanwhile Cary Grant is walking toward you naked, arms outstretched, humming -- how can Mr. Blue's advice compete with this delirious pleasure? It can't. Why go to your friends for help? What help do you want? You know the gentleman better than they do. You took him back nonetheless. Now you wait to see what happens next. Does he break your heart? Does he turn out to have truly reformed at last, saved by the love of a good woman? You'll be the first to know. If, however, he does break your heart and then, three months later, you take him back again, we're going to call the love police.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a freshman in college. Among my friends left over from high school is a wonderful guy -- funny, caring and smart in an offbeat way. Over the past months, we've kept in close touch -- on the phone, through lengthy e-mails, and he's come to visit me several times (it's much more difficult for me to get to his school). After four years of friendship, I wonder if it has the potential to evolve into something else -- I would like it to. But I have no idea whether he shares my curiosity or whether he would have the nerve to approach me -- it would be a drastic move to change the (happy) status quo after so many years. As much as I long for something more, I am afraid of losing what we have. Should I risk it?
Biding My Time
Dear Biding,
It's a sweet dilemma and you should enjoy the trepidations and the wondering and let things take their course. It's tempting to sit down and write an urgent letter, "What gives, pal? Do you thrill to my touch? Or what?" But don't. You're sort of maybe falling in love with him and obviously he cares about you. Keep on talking and walking and e-mailing and maybe one day you'll be together and feel it in the air, something between you, and you'll look at him and say something simple about how you feel. You won't say, "I wonder if our relationship has the potential to evolve into something else." You'll say, "I hope you know that I care about you a lot." Or maybe, "I love you." If this throws him into a tailspin, so be it. This is not a life-threatening situation. Savor it.
